Pressure to seem perfect can strain teen relationships, but kindness from peers can help

Imagine trying to always appear perfect. You stay on top of the latest beauty trends, excel academically and project confidence in social settings, even when you’re struggling or feeling completely overwhelmed. You work hard to hide any potential flaws, constantly worrying that if you stumble or show any cracks in your armor, everything will fall apart.

For many teens, the pressure to project a perfect persona feels necessary to fit in, avoid criticism and gain approval from their peers. It’s easy to think that being perfect will make you more likable, because who wouldn’t want to be around someone who seems to have it all together?

However, our new study reveals an ironic twist: the very effort to appear perfect may actually push others away. Instead, positive interactions with peers may help teens break free from the constant need to seem perfect and foster more supportive friendships.

With our research, we want to shed light on the hidden costs of trying to maintain a flawless image and reveal how letting go of this pressure can pave the way for more authentic and supportive connections for teens.

Signs of perfectionism

Perfectionistic self-presentation refers to the effort to create and maintain an image of perfection, where people go to great lengths to ensure they appear perfect to others. For teens, this often means showcasing a polished exterior and suppressing signs of distress, vulnerability or imperfection.

Many teens who engage in perfectionistic self-presentation also struggle with feelings of insecurity. They may believe they aren’t worthy of love or support, so they try to create a flawless image in the hopes of securing the acceptance they long for.

Research identifies some main aspects of perfectionistic self-presentation: self-promotion, where teens highlight their achievements while downplaying any struggles; perfectionistic non-disclosure, where they avoid revealing any personal challenges; and perfectionistic non-display, where teens make a concerted effort to refrain from doing anything that might be judged as imperfect by others.

According to our research, parents, teachers and teens should be aware of the following signs that may indicate a young person is struggling with the pressure to appear perfect:

• Hiding emotions: Suppressing signs of distress, such as sadness, anger or frustration, even when expressing them would be appropriate, like when they experience a disappointment, a loss or a setback.
• Difficulty accepting compliments: Rejecting praise or positive feedback because they feel like they haven’t fully earned it or that their image isn’t “perfect” enough.
• Unwillingness to ask for help: Shunning reaching out for assistance or support because they fear it will make them seem imperfect or incapable.
• Outward self-promotion: Frequently discussing or showcasing successes, such as awards, honors or high grades, to reinforce their sense of accomplishment.
• Effortlessness: Downplaying the effort behind an achievement, making any successes appear effortless.
• Avoiding vulnerability: Avoiding sharing their authentic thoughts and experiences with friends out of worry that showing any flaws or struggles will lead to rejection or judgment, even if those feelings aren’t necessarily negative.
• Risk aversion: Steering away from tasks they might not be immediately good at and seeking excessive reassurance or guidance before even starting, fearing failure will hurt their image.

Our recent study

In our recent study, we asked 239 teens between the ages of 13 and 19 (72 percent of whom were female) to complete a series of four questionnaires, spaced approximately seven months apart between October 2017 and November 2021. The questions were designed to measure perfectionistic self-presentation, relational victimization and receipt of pro-social acts.

We found that the more teens focused on appearing flawless, whether through constantly showing off achievements or hiding their real feelings, the more they experienced relational aggression, like gossip or social exclusion.

This supports the idea that perfectionism can lead to social disconnection. When teens prioritize a perfect image over real connections, it can create a barrier between them and their peers. As a result, they may struggle to form meaningful friendships, and may even become targets of bullying because their perceived perfection may make others feel threatened or disconnected.

Our study also revealed that when teens focused on presenting an ideal image and hiding their real selves, they received less kindness and support from their peers, creating a cycle that only increased the pressure to keep up the perfect image.

Over time, this can lead to emotional distress, as teens may increasingly question their self-worth and struggle with deepening feelings of loneliness. The absence of meaningful connections can also limit opportunities for growth and learning from peers, which are crucial during adolescence.

Positive peer interactions

The good news from our new study is that teens who received more acts of kindness and support from their peers felt less of a need to hide behind a flawless facade. This highlights the power of kindness and connection in helping teens let go of perfectionist tendencies.

Fostering supportive, authentic friendships can be a crucial step in reducing the anxiety and isolation that comes with trying to appear perfect. Positive, supportive interactions with peers create the foundation for strong and meaningful connections, where teens can feel free to be themselves, imperfections and all. If you have a friend or relative who is struggling with the pressure to be perfect, here are some things you can try:

Encourage them to share their feelings, even when things aren’t going well, and assure them it’s OK to show vulnerability in friendships. Remind them that real friends accept one another’s flaws, and that perfect friendships don’t exist; what matters is support, understanding and mutual care.

Create an environment where imperfections are celebrated and help them understand that they matter and that they don’t need to be perfect to be loved or valued. Be open about your own struggles and show each other that vulnerability is a sign of strength, not weakness.

The reality is that needing to keep up an image of perfection often keeps us from building the supportive, meaningful relationships we need. By letting go of the need to appear flawless and embracing imperfections, we open the door to more genuine relationships where we can receive the care and understanding we deserve.

This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.